Do you struggle with relationships?
Dating, Marriage, Family & Friends, Work
Do you find it easy to show affection or do you find it uncomfortable or too much at times?
Do you find it difficult to talk about or even undertand your own feelings?
Do you feel panic during conflict or shut down and want to leave?
the four types of attachment styles
Secure
A secure attachment style is the goal for how to behave in relationships. People with a secure attachment style have positive self-worth and healthy self-confidence. They easily trust themselves and others and feel safe in their close relationships. They are interdependent and consistent with others.
Anxious
People with an anxious attachment style (also called “preoccupied”) have a strong fear of abandonment and need constant validation. They depend on their partner for their self-worth. They have difficulty with independence or spending time alone as this can often trigger anxiety for them. They often feel unworthy and fear being rejected.
Dismissive avoidant
People with a dismissive attachment style have difficulty expressing emotions and avoid vulnerability. They prioritize independence and withdraw from relationships that are too intimate. Dismissive avoidants rarely pursue romantic relationships and may avoid them completely.
Fearful avoidant
People with a fearful avoidant (also called “disorganized”) attachment style usually grew up in a chaotic home with some form of abuse and they have difficulty regulating their emotions. They have a hard time trusting others, and themselves. They crave closeness in relationships, but they fear it at the same time.
Learning about attachment styles can help you in your romantic relationships, as well as your relationships with family and friends, work relationships, and most importantly, with yourself.
All of our behavior comes from our subconscious mind trying to get our needs met. This may be with healthy or unhealthy behaviors. The more you understand your own needs and how to meet them, and what unmet needs you still have from childhood, the better you can show up in your relationships with yourself and others.
What are attachment styles?
Attachment theory was developed in the 1950s by Dr. John Bowlby, a British psychologist. Attachment styles are characterized by how humans bond with each other and behave in relationships. Attachment styles are formed in infancy, and usually solidified by the time we are two years old. Our attachment style will develop based on how our primary caregivers (usually our parents) attended to our needs and emotions during our earliest years.
There are four types of attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, Dismissive Avoidant, and Fearful Avoidant.
We all have a primary attachment style, but it is on a spectrum, and you can have more than one. You may also have different attachment styles for different relationship dynamics. For example, you may have one attachment style for friend relationships and another for family relationships.
Attachment starts with your parents. Estranged from your family?
While many relationships can be healed or improved, the sad reality is that some relationships will never get better. Going no contact with parents or other family members is not a decision that anyone makes lightly, and it is usually the last resort after giving toxic family members many chances. Those who are estranged from their family know that it is a wound that will never fully heal. It is a painful journey that you will walk for the rest of your life, and it takes incredible strength and bravery to do so.
This is one of those things in life that people simply can’t fully understand if they haven’t personally been through it. It doesn’t matter what degrees someone has or how many psychology books they have read. If you’re like me and you struggle to relate to a coach or therapist who hasn’t personally experienced something similar, I understand.
I started studying attachment styles over five years ago after having an interest in trauma recovery for many years due to growing up in a very dysfunctional and abusive family. After a very short time, I realized that this knowledge about attachment styles had already helped me more than traditional therapy sessions ever had. It finally gave me an explanation for other people's behaviors, and my own. Most importantly, it helped me to not take it personally when people treat me badly. That has been such a huge part of my healing. After growing up with a BPD/narcissistic mother who made me her scapegoat and a codependent father who never stood up to her, I never had a model for healthy relationships. Loving ourselves and others in a secure way is something that some of us have to learn as adults if it was not modeled for us during childhood. I love sharing that knowledge with others. Once we learn to love securely our entire life changes for the better.
Thank you for being here.
~Sheryl
www.lovingsecurely.com
lovingsecurely@gmail.com
Frequently Asked Questions
Do you take insurance?
- At this time, health insurance cannot be billed as the coaching industry is not recognized as a health care provider.
Does my partner need to attend sessions with me for relationship coaching?
- No! Your partner is welcome to join you if they would like to, but you can benefit from sessions whether your partner attends or not. Single people can also benefit from relationship coaching sessions as it will improve your relationship with yourself and other relationships in your life and prepare you for a healthy romantic relationship.
Are my sessions confidential?
- Absolutely. Your privacy is very important to me and your information and any details about your session/email will never be shared in any way without your written permission.
How many sessions will I need?
That depends on each individual person, their needs, and their relationship dynamics. You can be done with coaching once you reach your goals, or just decrease the frequency to checking in occasionally.
Can I stop at any time?
Absolutely. Even the best coaching can only be effective if you are a completely willing and committed participant. If that ever changes or if you need to take a break for any reason, that is absolutely fine.
Do you offer email coaching?
Yes! Email coaching is a great option for those who have a very busy schedule or those with social anxiety who may find it easier to open up and be vulnerable over email.
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Can coaching sessions help all relationships?
Yes and no. Not all relationships can be improved. Healthy relationships require effort from both people, whether it is a romantic relationship or not. Some people are not willing or able to do the necessary work. In toxic relationship dynamics, sometimes the best thing to do is to end contact with that person. Relationship coaching can help you become secure enough to know what to do and to make the best decisions for yourself.
Do you offer a reduced rate for those who can’t afford your normal rates?
- I have a very limited number of spaces for those needing a sliding scale. Please reach out to me if you’d like to discuss your situation or have any questions. If I am unable to offer a reduced rate, I will try to provide a referral or other helpful resources.
Healing is a choice.
It’s not an easy one, because it takes work to turn around your habits, but keep making the choice and
shifts will happen.
~Yehuda Berg~
Trauma creates change you don’t choose.
Healing is about creating change that you do choose.
~Michelle Rosenthal~
Safety is not the absence of threat,
it is the presence of connection.
~Dr. Gabor Maté~